Pieces on Earth Page 2

  "You're officially starting to scare me, Jeff. Spill it."

  He made eye contact, enough for her to see the storm in the hazel eyes that matched Chesney's. "You're not going to like it. I don't want to tell you."

  Liv took a seat on the bed on the other side of the basket, her heart pounding so hard she could feel it in her temples. She closed her eyes, already trying to come to grips with the news he was about to deliver. "You're being deployed."

  Jeff's silence was the only affirmation she needed.

  The room grew deathly quiet, the air so thick it was palpable.

  With shaky breaths and pinched lips, Liv did all she could to control the rising tide of white hot anger within. All their plans. Plans they'd made, assured that they could finally have a white Christmas together as a family. Then in a move that surprised even her, she hurled the laundry basket to the floor with a guttural scream. "You told me that being an instructor would keep this from happening."

  "I thought it would. But the Navy needs some experienced pilots for an upcoming mission."

  Tears now coursed, unchecked, down Liv's face. "When?"

  "It's a quicker than normal turnaround."

  "When?" She nailed him down with her angry gaze.

  His Adam's apple bobbed briefly. "Next week." His gaze shifted downward. He released a measured breath between protruding lips, then met her angry glare once more. "They're telling us this one could be especially dangerous."

  "Afghanistan again?" The words sounded as though from the deep recesses of her heart, dredging up all-too familiar fears.

  Jeff swallowed hard and nodded.

  Something inside broke. So much for their plans for a white Christmas in Colorado with their family. So much for her special surprise. So much for having Jeff home safe and sound, with no cause to worry about anything but how well the trainees accepted his instruction. With fisted hands, she swiped away tears that leaked from her eyes. "Well, you're just going to have to tell them no. We've already made plans for Christmas. We haven't had a Christmas together in years, and this one was supposed to be special, back in Colorado with our family."

  His eyes held incredible sorrow. "Liv, you knew when you married me that--"

  "Yes, but I thought it was different now." Liv cut him off with her poison-laced words. She'd thought that this year would be better. She raised both hands to her head, clutched handfuls of hair made more frizzy by the unrelenting humidity and closed her eyes against demons within. This was all more than she could handle at the moment. Propelled to action by the news that had ruined everything, Liv jumped to her feet and ran from the room, slamming the door behind her so hard that one of the wedding photographs hanging in the hallway crashed to the tile floor, where the frame and glass shattered into pieces.

  With the ache in her heart also weighing down her shoulders and dispensing tears down her cheeks, Liv stooped to pick up the photo before the glass marred the portrait, overwhelmed by one thought. The broken frame was the perfect analogy for her life. One minute she'd been on top of the world, happily planning her family's white Christmas and life-changing announcement of a new baby. Then in the next moment, she knelt among nothing but the broken pieces of her now-shattered dreams.

  * * *

  The week preceding Jeff's departure flew way too quickly. In previous deployments they'd had several weeks to prepare, but because of the rush of this particular mission, everything had been crammed into one lousy and pain-ridden week. Physical exhaustion had become the standard mode of operation. In the midst of all the details of Jeff's deployment and trying to give Chesney as much time as possible with her daddy, Liv had tried to get over her hurt by shoving it deep inside. So far, that technique wasn't working especially well.

  On the day of his departure, during her early morning time with God, everything felt forced, a matter of soldier-like routine and duty, rather than the intimate warmth and joy Liv had come to experience. To make matters worse, the sibilant hisses of another voice had taken up resident in her head. A voice that encouraged her to encase her heart in icy cold steel. A voice that held more sway at the moment than she cared to admit.

  Liv closed her eyes against the frozen hardness in her heart. Lord, help me get past this without falling apart. Again. She crossed her arms and moved into the living room.

  Jeff--clad in his classic blue-tone Navy fatigues and black boots--was minutes away from walking out the front door. Who knew how long it would be before they saw him again...if ever. She pushed the negative thought aside and stepped forward to give him a hug she didn't feel. It was like part of her had frozen over completely. Brief tears stung her eyes, but she quickly brought them under control and took a step back. "Keep us informed as much as possible."

  Jeff's face registered profound hurt at her coolness. "You know I will." He hesitated and then cocked his head slightly to the right, his eyes pleading. "Liv, please don't let this come between us. It doesn't have to be this way. I need to know you and I are okay before I leave and face whatever lies ahead."

  While his words were true, they were also false. "I understand what you're saying, Jeff. Really I do. And I want to be there for you, but I can't pretend something I don't feel. This is just going to take some time for me to process." Would she ever be able to forgive the Navy and Jeff? And even God? Then, at the last possible minute, her prior deployment experience kicked in. She hugged him once more. "I love you, Jeff. Please come home to us safe and sound." Should she tell him about the baby? Would that make it easier or harder for him to leave?

  "Daddy!" Chesney yelled from around the corner and down the hall, followed by the hollow slam of her bedroom door. She rounded the corner, a paper clutched to her chest. She flung herself into Jeff's outstretched arms. "I made you something." She held the paper toward him.

  "You did?" He perused the paper, his eyes brightening with tears.

  "It says 'I love you' and 'be careful.' Mommy wrote the words out so I could copy them."

  He hugged her neck, smiling his appreciation and love to Liv. "I see that. Thank you, baby girl."

  A minute later, he set Chesney's feet on the floor and knelt beside her. "You be a good girl for your Mommy, okay?"

  Chesney nodded, her eyes already bright with unshed tears. Even at the tender age of four, Chesney had unfortunately learned about the goodbyes that came with having a father in the military. Already she had taken on the stoicism of someone far older.

  Jeff stood and pulled Liv into another embrace. "I love you, Liv, and I always will." He whispered the words against her hair, his lips briefly brushing against her ear.

  A lump formed in her throat. She battled to find the strength to give him the words of encouragement she knew he sorely needed, but no words would sound.

  He released her, sent her one last pleading look, then walked out the door without so much as a second glance.

  With the familiar cold freezing her veins to solid ice, Liv quietly shut the door and leaned against it as her sobbing four-year-old crumpled to the floor in utter heartbreak.

  PART 2

  And in despair I bowed my head

  There is no peace on earth I said

  For hate is strong and mocks the song

  Of peace on earth, goodwill to men.

  Chapter Four

  "Liv, I know this is hard. You know I've been where you are."

  Liv curved an arm around her waist as she held the cell phone to her ear. Yes, her mother had endured a lifetime of military service being married to her Air Force dad. Military service that would never be awarded with a medal or recognition of service rendered.

  "I know Mom, but this time it's somehow different." Because of the baby? And how was all this stress affecting their unborn child? "I'm trying to get over it, but I just can't."

  "Then you're just not trying hard enough." Mom's voice took on the stern quality of a woman in charge, the same voice she'd used during Liv's growing up years while Dad had been shuttled away for months at
a time by the Air Force.

  Liv struggled to find words, but none came. Not a day went by that she didn't long for her husband to be at home with them. That alone ate up enough energy to make trying to get over it even possible. She longed to tell her mother about the baby, but just couldn't. Not at this point. It was too soon. Her pain still too raw. Yet even in the knowledge that she wasn't ready came the startling realization for potential destruction unless she got a firm grip on her anger and resentment. Somehow she had to find a way to get past this. To forgive all parties. She rubbed straightened fingers resembling a mock salute against her furrowed forehead.

  "Honey, you've just got to let it go. If you don't the hopelessness will literally eat you alive. Trust me. I know." Mom paused momentarily, as if waiting for a response. When she got none, she continued. "You have to depend on God."

  Easy to say, not so easy to do. Besides, she had depended on God. Had prayed for this holiday with her husband. And look where it had gotten her.

  "Satan wants to keep you where you're at. Don't give him an inch, or he'll take a mile. I promise you that."

  The truth of her mother's words echoed in her hollowed-out heart. Yes, the enemy wanted to keep her in pieces rather than experiencing God's peace. "Okay, Mom. I'll try." The words barely sounded, and with absolutely no conviction behind them.

  "It would also help if you found something to occupy your time while Chesney is at school."

  Liv nodded. "Actually I've started taking photographs to hopefully sell online." She opted not to tell her mother about the pottery lessons that had been arranged.

  "Glad to hear it." The phone grew silent for just a moment, then Mom started in again. Good thing that at least one of them was able to carry the conversation. "Are you and Chesney still coming for Christmas?"

  Good question. "We're gonna try." Airline tickets were too cost prohibitive and out of the question. Could she make the grueling 1400-mile drive on her own with a four-year-old in tow? Would it be too much for the baby? A sudden resolve straightened her spine. She could and would do this. "You know what? We'll be there. And we might come early and stay late." Jeff's absence carried with it the unexpected bonus of no timeline. Yes, Chesney might have to miss some school, but it was a minor issue at her age.

  "That's my girl. I knew you'd bounce back from this."

  Liv's mouth flat-lined. If the truth were known, she hadn't bounced back at all. Instead her plans to make the trip on her own had come from a place of sheer fear, hurt, and anger. A place she grew more and more familiar with by each passing day.

  * * *

  Liv pulled her knees to her chest later that evening, leaned against the headboard of Chesney's bed, and looked down at her daughter. So far the idea to tell Bible stories to Chesney in the context of the bigger story was working, even in spite of the fact that she didn't tell pieces of the story every night. Instead she'd made the conscientious decision to tell a little at a time, allowing room for discussion in between.

  Liv pressed her lips together. Unfortunately, tonight's part of the story held implications for her own life. Implications she didn't particularly want to acknowledge or deal with. "Adam and Eve didn't mean to mess up their perfect world, but it happened because they believed the lie the snake told them." The truth of the words in relation to her current circumstances tugged at her heart, but she ignored them and honed in on what her daughter was saying instead.

  "Sorta like me at school."

  "What do you mean?"

  Chesney wrinkled her nose as if remembering something distasteful. "At recess, A.J. told me that Miss Cindy told him to tell me that I needed to go pick up the trash on the big kid's playground, and that I could play on their swing set while I was there."

  "And you believed him?"

  Chesney's red wavy curls jiggled as she nodded her head up and down. "Yeah."

  "So what happened?"

  "I went and picked up the trash. Then I played on their swings. After that I went down the big slide."

  "And?"

  Her daughter brought fingers up to scratch an itch on her cheek. "Miss Cindy came over and griped at me for breaking the rules." Her daughter's expression grew doleful. "It made me sad that Miss Cindy was mad at me. I thought she didn't like me any more. And it was all A.J.'s fault."

  The perfect analogy for this part of the Adam and Eve story, as well as the brokenness in her marriage at the moment. "Well, not exactly. You could have gone and asked Miss Cindy if what A.J. said was true. Sounds to me like you believed him because you wanted to play on the other playground. Am I right?"

  Chesney nodded somewhat dolefully.

  "Something similar happened to Adam and Eve. God gave them the rule not to eat from the one tree, but the snake lied to them and told them it was okay. That they would be like God if they did. But once they ate the fruit of that tree, they were broken."

  "Broken in pieces?"

  "Sort of. Just like with you and Miss Cindy, Adam and Eve's relationship with God was broken. See, God is perfect and holy, and because Adam and Eve believed the lie and acted on it, now they were unholy. Though their bodies didn't get broken right away, their lives were. They had to leave the garden."

  "Forever and ever and ever?"

  Liv nodded.

  "That makes me very sad. Did God gripe at Adam and Eve the way Miss Cindy griped at me?"

  The curses God pronounced on them floated effortlessly to the front of Liv's mind. "Sort of. He told them that the earth would be a more difficult place to live in because of their bad choice."

  Her daughter's face took on a solemnity beyond her years, and her forehead wrinkled into a dark frown.

  Liv tweaked her daughter's pug nose. "But God also made them a promise."

  "What promise?"

  "He told them that one day a Fixer would come who would fix them and get rid of the snake and all his lies."

  Chesney's face brightened. "Yay, God!"

  A laugh bubbled up inside of Liv, the first one she'd had in days. Yay, indeed. Now if she could only bring about the changes she needed to make in her own broken life. The thought brought nothing but questions. Just how was she supposed to do that? And did she really want to expend the effort to bring it about?

  Chapter Five

  "Sorry, Darcy. Chesney and I can't go to church with you tomorrow. We have other plans." The lie rolled effortlessly from Liv's lips. Once she made it past the momentary stab of regret, the next lie was much easier. Hadn't the same thing happened in her last e-mail correspondence with Jeff?

  Her husband had also asked how things were at church. Rather than confess that she hadn't been attending services, she'd simply told him things were fine. But things weren't fine, and she knew it. Not only had they stayed away from church, but her efforts to pray and read her Bible each morning had more and more been falling by the wayside.

  "Well, we sure do miss you. Are you certain you're okay?" Her friend's voice held genuine concern.

  "We're holding our own." Were they really? The sharp shards of broken pieces still pierced her heart, with bad dreams and nightmares replacing God's peace as her mind focused in on the potential for disaster and devastation in the messed-up world in which they lived.

  "Okay, then." Darcy's tentative voice revealed that she in no shape, form, or fashion believed a word. "How about getting together on Tuesday for a lunch date?"

  "Can't." The word pounced out like a stalking cat, sharp claws exposed. "Debbie and I are going shopping." Another commonplace activity. So much so that after only a few weeks of life without Jeff, the credit card bills were mounting. But she had to have some way to cope, right?

  "I'm glad you and Debbie have hit it off. She needs you as a friend."

  Liv's thought turned to the always-fashionable Debbie. Surely if anyone had it all together, it was her. Never had she met someone so self-assured and comfortable in her own skin. Liv sighed. Both things she sorely wanted in her own life. Darcy had it all backwards. "I guess we
need each other."

  No response sounded on Darcy's end, so Liv brought an end to the call. As she said goodbye to Darcy and laid down her phone, a sudden guilt-laden thought pelted Liv's mind. Darcy had always been there for her, had been a true friend in the worst of times. But now, for whatever reason, their interactions left Liv annoyed and uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that from deep inside her came a determination to push Darcy away. For a brief moment Liv considered her motivations, but then just as quickly shoved it all aside. Nothing on this planet was forever, and the last thing she needed at the moment was someone interfering in her life.

  * * *

  The following Tuesday morning, Liv dropped Chesney off at the preschool and reminded the teacher that her daughter would be staying for the whole day rather than the typical half day. Adrenalin dripped excitement into her veins as she rushed to a local pastry shop to meet Debbie for breakfast before they headed out for a day of fun.

  The light ahead of her turned red, so Liv slowed to a stop, her thoughts once more returning to her weekly outings with Debbie, a relatively new member of their small group of military wives whose husbands were all in the same squadron. While Darcy was slow and steady and full of compassion, Debbie was full of energy and life, with the looks of a super model. She always seemed happy and composed, like nothing ever got her down.

  A few minutes later, Liv pulled up outside a quaint bakery not far from Pensacola NAS. Debbie's fire-engine red Corvette was already there.

  Inside, Liv gave her eyes a chance to adjust to the darkness, and finally spotted Debbie already at a booth near the back.

  Liv made her way through the obstacle course of occupied tables and slid into the faux leather seat across from her fashionable friend. "Sorry I'm late."

  "No worries." Debbie sent a Colgate grin that vied for position with the Florida sun. "I hope it's okay, but I went ahead and ordered us some bagels." She patted her non-existent tummy flab. "Have to watch the waistline."

  Liv pushed aside her lingering desire for an oversized cinnamon roll. Yes, she needed to watch her weight. Especially with the new baby coming and the leftover pounds from Chesney's birth. "Sounds good. What's on the agenda for the day?"